Today, I realized I am losing the intensity of my being. Or perhaps, I have not been intense at all in my life. Is this what I have sacrificed for my slightly distant, non-caring nature? I realize, I do want intensity to sweep me off my feet. I’d prefer to avoid the heartbreak, but what can I do? Nothing. Right? The more I think about it, the more painful it gets. I simply go with things. I am hurt, but I get over things. It’s not because I’m strong. It’s because it never really gripped me in the first place. I don’t let people really close in the first place. Do I tell people things because I trust them? Or is it simply because I don’t care? Both? Maybe I trust them, but if they betrayed me I wouldn’t care… There is always a sadder story out there, this I know. However. I wonder if I may blame this lack of intensity that my life isn’t better or worse.
It all comes down to this.
I’ve said I love you millions of times. But I have only said I am in love with you a few times.
I’ve slept with guys I didn’t feel heads over heels for. I haven’t felt any of them.
I’ve begun dozens of stories, all of them have an interesting intensity, but they begin to fade. Only a handful have an ending.
I don’t really understand it. Or maybe I do, I simply do not want to. What is this fear that over takes me. Is it threatening my quality of life? What must I pull away from to improve this? Why does everything keep fading? Am I fading?