darknessheals

Today, I realized I am losing the intensity of my being.  Or perhaps, I have not been intense at all in my life.  Is this what I have sacrificed for my slightly distant, non-caring nature?  I realize, I do want intensity to sweep me off my feet.  I’d prefer to avoid the heartbreak, but what can I do?  Nothing.  Right?  The more I think about it, the more painful it gets.  I simply go with things.  I am hurt, but I get over things.  It’s not because I’m strong.  It’s because it never really gripped me in the first place.  I don’t let people really close in the first place.  Do I tell people things because I trust them?  Or is it simply because I don’t care?  Both?  Maybe I trust them, but if they betrayed me I wouldn’t care…  There is always a sadder story out there, this I know.  However.  I wonder if I may blame this lack of intensity that my life isn’t better or worse.

It all comes down to this.

I’ve said I love you millions of times.  But I have only said I am in love with you a few times.

I’ve slept with guys I didn’t feel heads over heels for.  I haven’t felt any of them.

I’ve begun dozens of stories, all of them have an interesting intensity, but they begin to fade.  Only a handful have an ending.

I don’t really understand it.  Or maybe I do, I simply do not want to.  What is this fear that over takes me.  Is it threatening my quality of life?  What must I pull away from to improve this?  Why does everything keep fading?  Am I fading?

Hmm

I have a boyfriend

He is German

Who doesn’t like to speak German

lol fml

I have come to realize I am a Pansexual.  No, I am no longer considering myself bisexual.  I flirt with all genders and sexualities.  Now, I know when to give up, so I’m not annoying with it.  But oh well.  

Hmm, going to give this blog another shot.  Going to try to have something to actually talk about.  Not that I do much.  Pretty much, I like to sit on my ass on my loverly laptop here.  Or go out and play Frisbee.  Or play with my dog (R.I.P Queenie) when I’m at home.  Fuss with my hair.  Eat.  Pass out.  I do not sleep.  Only pass out.  That is how it is done.  Today I have a Global Understanding Exam.  Am I going?  Good question.  I’m hungry.  Am I going?  Good question.

I am not desensitizing myself to death.  I’ve been reading a particularly interesting bloke’s tumblr blog thing.  Lotta gruesome pictures.  Having an empty stomach is a plus here.  However, I really don’t think I’d puke.  Just burp a lot.  Hmm, also a lot of cute red headed girls.  However, I’m starting to need to see girls with a little more boobage.  What can I say?  I have breasts, and I like breasts.  They don’t have to be large, but a little larger than almost there. But, I’d take them how I get them.

So, a friend brought it to my attention that I will be a raging lesbian. I wonder if this is true.  Maybe I should stop having boyfriends.  Get a nice girlfriend and settle down.    Oh well.

This is not depressing.  It is not happy.  It is neutral.  Holidays are usually imaged as happy joyous times with family.  Yes?  Oh well, maybe it’s just too many movies.  My holiday was not so in either case.  I was asleep all day, awake from 4pm to 5 am.  That was the average anyway.  Right now, I’m tired.  I don’t know if it’s from lack of sleep or what.  Anyway, that was my week.  Minimum socialization to keep from going crazy.  Oh well.  I spoke to two people the whole break.  I think I needed female contact.  Not enough of it.  I spoke to a good female friend of mine briefly.  However, I’m not very good with speaking to her.  I don’t really want to creep her out, so I don’t know what I should talk about.

Christmas day was just another day to me.  As was New Years.  Except that I was faced with the threat of being kicked out of school.  But other than that bother, I was bored.  To day I finally got out, and though I finally got out today, I was still frightened.  I cleared it up, sat around being a geek in a bookstore, and came back to this place.  God, I’m bored.  Tomorrow, I will be out of here.  This is good.  I can go back to my own bed, and sleep my life away.  Right after I get my check in the registrar’s office. 

Posting a picture on my blog.  :3

Hmm, it’s sideways.  Oh well.  :3  It’s meh an mai doggie.  I love her so muches.  <3  There’s no way I would give her up for the would.  I will always love her.  xD  Fair warning is I love her more that anyone on this entire planet.   Nothing I can do about it.  I suppose I will always love my pets more than real people, there’s really no deceitfulness.  If the dog hates you, it’ll let you know.  If it loves you, it’ll show you.  It doesn’t think: “Hmm, I shouldn’t do that because it’ll make me look like an idiot.”  No, it’s more like: “Hey, look what I did.  Aren’t you proud?”

They get genuinely sad when you aren’t proud of them.  That’s why I love my pets more than people.  They meet my expectations.

Yeah, finally.  A blog post that is not emo as shit.  XD  Well, I went to a convention, Neko-con and had the awesome time I’ve had in weeks.  Really.  I am so glad I got to come.  I wouldn’t have met so many awesome people.  I wouldn’t have played the games I did.  I might not have acted like a total whore either.  XD  No, I didn’t get laid.  O.O I had the chance to, but I did not.  Mostly making out with other girls, randomly dry humping guys…randomly dry humping girls.  Being generally sexy.  XD

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself.  I went, and I was bored as hell.  Neko-con did not have any interesting panels., well, they had a few, but I forgot about then about the time they rolled around.  XD  Well, and the first day, I met a very awesome guy.  He’s much older than me…much older.  But hey, I did say I wanted maturity.  And, I would guess that a guy that is 5 years older than me would be more mature.  He knows the way much more than I do.  Maybe he can guide me a little.  I would definitely not mind it.  And considering that I’ve been travelling around with a couple, ruining their sex life for the weekend…ya know.  I needed some contact.

First night I left my friends, not really wanting to go to a concert.  I followed the persons whom I was rooming with, but they weren’t too much more fun.  Instead, I walked around, looking to see if anyone is interested in hanging out with me.  I found someone who wanted me to hang out with them.  Which I thought about, but there was a nicer guy behind him.  Who was alone and didn’t mind hanging out with me.  At all.  He first lead me to the vending machine.  And after we got there, I expected him to leave me, but he did not.  He asked me “So, what’s next?”

It shocked me.  But, I went with it.  From there we simply walked around, him being patient with my fan girlness.  I loved it.  He was extremely patient with me, and I loved every minute of it.  So I tried to stay with him.  Occasionally, I ran away, but I always come back.  XD I’m like a bad dog.  But we went back to our respective sleeping places and Facebook chatted each other.  Which was cool.  I got to imagine him on the other side of a screen.  Talking to me.  XD  I didn’t think that anything could happen so quickly.

Miller S. Lindsay III October 25 at 9:30pm

Hey sir. I know what happened between u and naomi. And im kinda annoyed you know because she cant remember what happened that night so... lets be like 2 grown men here and just talk about this. So tell me what happened please.

Ilya Boykov October 25 at 10:42pm Report

I have no idea what did she told you. I haven't talked to her for about a month. I don't know what is going on with her. As far as i know she had lost most of her friends, like John. Last time i saw her she was on my floor hanging out with some black dude.

Miller S. Lindsay III October 25 at 10:44pm

Sooo you and her never did anything sexual a few months back at all?? She told me you did so yeah. Its not like imma spaz or nothing because hey its life if it happened so yeah.

Ilya Boykov October 25 at 11:04pm Report

What do you want to know from me? Apparently she told you something, what did she said?

Miller S. Lindsay III October 25 at 11:04pm

Ok.. she told me she gave you a hand job.. do you remember this??

Ilya Boykov October 25 at 11:10pm Report

Well yeah. It is wrong, sorry, but we didn't go too far. Probably that is the reason we stopped hanging out together.

Miller S. Lindsay III October 25 at 11:15pm

Ok well.. thats All I can do.

Ilya Boykov October 25 at 11:18pm Report

Hey i don't think you broke up because of me, because it was way too long ago. I will have to guess she got someone else.

Miller S. Lindsay III October 25 at 11:20pm

wait..... so did you and her do anything at all???

Ilya Boykov October 25 at 11:24pm Report

Nothing, just that. And i don't think that is the reason to broke up.

Miller S. Lindsay III October 25 at 11:27pm

well.... yeah thats the reason dude...... who started the whole thing. Im really not informed on this whole act. just give every detail I dont care but i need to find closer to just tell me everything you remember.

Ilya Boykov October 25 at 11:36pm Report

Nah dude. I don't thinks so. I know i don't like her that way and she doesn't like me that way ether. There is no details to tell. I haven't talk to her since than.

Miller S. Lindsay III October 25 at 11:37pm

..... so there was a hand job.... nohting else what so ever right?!

Ilya Boykov October 25 at 11:39pm Report

Nothing, she didn't cheated on you with me.

I have not kept my promise and I’m sorry.  Instead of posting every day, it’s changed to every couple of weeks.  It’s funny, I think I’m talking to myself up here.  The only person that invited me here, no longer uses this site, le pewf, gone.  And that’s my topic for today.

Once again, it is the sadness that I will feel because I no longer have friends around.  Even the friend that has grown to be my bestie has become homesick.  But who would stay on campus during an official break?  I would.  There’s nothing interesting about my home.  I have no internet connection, and have not for a couple of years now.  Even when I did, I had dial up, which sucks in itself.  I cannot even get into the main house, so I cannot get anything to bring back to my dorm room.  No dress for me, I would really like to wear a dress to the ball during homecoming.  Oh well, it’s supposed to be cocktail dress.  I just realized I have no idea what the hell that is.  Oh well.  I don’t really know what I’ll be doing now.  My boyfriend said he’ll show up, but I don’t know how that’ll turn out.  Maybe I shouldn’t go into it thinking it’s going to end badly, but I can’t help but think it is.  Maybe if I keep thinking that it will, it’ll become a self fulfilling prophecy.  Hopefully not.  He says that I treat him differently around my friends, but I stand strong that I have the right to get mad that he takes out my intimate items and prances it around in front of my friends.  And then he says I treat him differently in front of my friends.  I just don’t think guys understand.  I think I may be ready to try something different.  I don’t think I’ve really had an experienced boyfriend.  I need one.  I will post it in the classifieds.  XD  I wonder what would happen if I did that.

Girl searching for experienced but not an asshole boyfriend!

If interested, call 252-555-7905.  I am a 5’6, 148 lbs natural female with 36DD cups and a nicely shaped ass.  I am told that last part, I don’t believe it myself, but I guess you’ll have to see it for yourself.  I am tired to having guys that are unused to girls, and I want someone to understand me.  I am in a transition state in my life, I need a man who can recognize that and adapt. <3  Naomi

How does that sound?  That’s hilarious.  I think I might do that one day.  Wonder if someone will call me?  That’s actually my phone number, just missing a number.  XD  Well, not missing a number, I just changed one number.  But if you’re my facebook friend, it’s easy to find out.  Let’s see, anything else to rant and/or babble about?  I really like this guy next to me’s pants.  They are frickin awesome.  I don’t normally like ripped jeans, but he’s pulling it off.  I give him kudo’s.  I’m learning about the Calvin Cycle right now, so maybe I should go back to that.  Well, Ciao for Nao Luvers. <3

Interesting what types of people you meet when you’re free minded.  You meet nice people, you meet sly people.  You even meet some of the bitchiest people you’re ever meet in your entire life.  But, the people closest to you will still be the people to tear you down.  Expect the worst.  And even if you expect the worse, expect it to still hurt.  Think about it, promise yourself you won’t but you will.  Each time you think about it, promise yourself to be negative.  Eact time you promise yourself that, counter it with something good.

“I’ll never speak to him again…”

“But he’s kinda cute.”

“Yes, a pretty little butterfly.”

“Well, let’s be a fly trap, when he thinks he as you, you have him all along.  Jackpot!”

Okay okay, I know the last one wasn’t exactly positive, but do what you gotta do okay?  I mean, it’s all good.  It won’t hurt them right?  After all, it’s exactly what they’re doing, and what they’re expecting.  But what they’re not expecting is, that you know all about it.  And when you flit away first, who cares?

I’ve decided to try to do one everyday, so I’ll just type it as I’m thinking of it.  If I don’t have internet access that particular day, I’ll just save it in my computer drafts until I can, and mass post.  But yea, today or rather last night was interesting, I wonder if I’m just too clingy and/or have no life.  I hate it when someone I really want to speak to calls me and suddenly becomes unavailable.  Oh well, it extremely annoys me.  But hey, what can I say…

On another note, I’m starting to feel sad.  I’m going off to college and leaving everything behind.  I have to give my beloved pets away, and pack up my whole room.  That’s just not natural.  I wish I could say they’d be here when I got back, but if I don’t have pets here, I doubt I’ll ever come back to stay.  This place is boring and it’ll never be the same without my childhood friends.  Well, I guess it’s for the best.  I’ll never come back.